Movin' On Up

It's time Blogger and I went our separate ways. Security is no fun here, and the options, they are limited! I've moved over to HERE if you want to follow along! Many posts are password protected, so please e-mail me and I'll get you that password.

See ya' on the flip side!

Lovely Little Lump

Our ultrasound today made things all official. One beautiful little heart beating, one healthy little baby, nestled in all comfy-like.

Congratulations, P-Daddy. Your baby is beautiful!

Oh, the arms I had to twist to get this video!

P-Daddy Kills Some Time

Ultrasound is tomorrow, P-Daddy.........

Shocked and Amazed.

I was blessed today when a lovely lady knocked on my door and handed me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. The vibrant colors, the cheerful mood they inspire. P-Daddy, you're too much.

You really are too much; These beautiful and amateur photos were taken with the new Cannon Digital Rebel that arrived on my doorstep last night. Words can not express. This camera is my dream camera. It is that one item that ends up on the "some day, one of these days" list that we all have and remains there forever. I never would have been able to justify that kind of expense on myself. You have truly touched me with your thoughtfulness.

I swear, I'll make it up to you. Belly photos galore! Stretch marks and all! Weekly updates! Photos of... the OB's office? I'll think of something. Point is, I'll use it. I'll love it ( I already do!) and I'll be thinking of you each time I do.

Thank you, P-Daddy. There are no words.

Normal/Bad times 10,468

Well. Take your average kind of horrible PMS day ( or your friends if, say, you're a dude). Multiply the crappiness of that day by 10,468. You will now have gotten close to reaching the level of weepy emotional bitch that I currently living on. For women, it's the ebb and surge of Progesterone and Estrogen that cause the majority of PMS symptoms. I am currently injecting more then 200 times the normal levels of those hormones, intentionally and on purpose, into my body. And will continue to do so for another 6 weeks. in addition to the ever growing amount of those same said hormones that I'm now producing naturally, thanks to the wee little traveler. Things that would previously have just bugged me are now PISSING ME OFF and things that would previously have touched me are turning me into a blubbering puddle of goo.

Example of the patheticness that is my current life: Season finale of Dancing with the Stars. Yes. That uber stupid show. I swear, I broke into TEARS when Helio won. I WEPT. Shameful. Both that I watched that show and, you know, the weeping.

How to cope with such a sad, sad existence? Keep busy. Keep very, very busy. I am never not doing something. Even when I'm sitting doing nothing, I'm doing something. I learned to crochet from the lovely Lynlee when I flew down for transfer, and the number of dishrags I've got in the rag drawer is ever growing. Fingers busy, mind numbing counting stitches, ever busy. It's a craft and hobby I can do that causes no mess, I can start and stop whenever without any warning, it takes up no space and costs pennies. LOVE it. Granted, all I can make are, you know, dishrags because they're square and use non-furry yarn, but still. Everyone who eats needs a dishrag, right? Guess what most are getting for Christmas... you just guess.

Lucky for me, I have a decent grasp on reality. Even as I rage or blubber, I know it's the extra hormones. Not to say that I wouldn't normally be pissed off or happy, but my inhibitions around those normal emotions are gone. It's kind of freeing, actually. Ever wonder what I really thought of you? Ha, now's the time to ask. The "happy friendly puppies and rainbows" filter is not really working these days. For true friends and loving family, this is not a problem. Husband has been awesome. I can cry or rage all I want and he gets it. He understands. I've spent hours, literally, having a bitch-fest all about me with my best buddy and she gets it. She understands. It's very freeing and awesome knowing that I'm surrounded by such loving, understanding support. Just because I blubber a lot doesn't mean I'm emotional weak, just because I rage a lot doesn't mean I have an anger problem. It means that I'm almost OD'ing on some heavy stuff and this is how life is for me right now. We accept that and move on with things.

In the mean time, anyone want a dishrag?

30 Times 8 Equals....

Pregnant. Not just a little pregnant, but a lot pregnant.

10dp5dt.. Ten days past a 5 day transfer. The BETA goal for today's test was 100. Under 100, I test again in 2 days to see if my number doubles. Over 100, we assume all is going well as we have a nice healthy number, indicating a nice healthy pregnancy.

I went in for my blood work at 10am this morning. I requested a rush on the results as I knew P-Daddy was dying a slow and painful death not knowing. Around one I got the call.

239.9

two hundred thirty nine point nine.


I'd say that was well above a hundred, wouldn't you?

6 week ultrasound delayed because of vacation, scheduled for December 10th.

So. Pregnant lady here!

I would like a woo hoo, please.

Thank you.

Just in Case You Wanted More Proof

These are just a few of the positives, however faint, that I've gotten since Friday night.

Upsides and Downsides and Upside Down Sides

Ever since that fateful positive last night on the thousandth home pregnancy test I've noticed a change. Some awesome. Some not so much. Enlightening and to be expected.

First, lets all give a big WHOOP WHOOP to my uber awesome UTERUS, can we? It managed to hold on to that wee little ball of genetics and convince it, for the time being at least, to hang around. Which is quite a feat, considering how excitable that little DNA lump's father can get. I am completely relieved, yet would have been shocked had I NOT seen a positive some time soon. I know, glass half full and all that.

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my friends in real life and in the computer. Word got out this morning about the awesome positive and I received SO many e-mails and phone calls of support. Heck, one gal ( hi!) even came over in the middle of the night just to watch me pee on things. In a good way. And watch lines develop over and over and over... That's love. I also got calls and e-mails from my family in-law . Complete support and excitement.

But. I am a member of a parenting forum, have been for years. I met this group of ladies when my daughter was 6 months old and have chatted with them every day since. It's a small intimate group and it's actually rather common for things as mundane as the lunch menu to be discussed in detail every day. So imagine my surprise when, upon announcing my pregnancy this morning I didn't get the huge "OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! SO EXCITING!! Howareyoufeeling and howareyougoingtotellthekids and haveyoushoppedformaternityyet???!!!" that every other woman has gotten, but rather 2 hours of "views" and hardly any comments aside from the blah "wow. congrats". Support from that quarter has been lacking for this whole journey in general but I honestly thought they would be more happy for me and for P-Daddy then they were. And I was disappointed. Because these ladies are supposed to be my friends. The lackluster show of support was unexpected. Unnecessary, but unexpected.

And. I have site-meter. So I know who of my immediate family has read the news. Why no call with first hand announcing? Because with the exception of my mother, they've all made it pretty clear that the plan is to kind of pretend nothing is happening.... Not that they all are against it.. only a few are.. but they're just completely disinterested in this huge journey. They just don't care.

So you can just see the outpouring of support, excitement, hell.. interest.. that they are showing in my life, in this huge event.

That's sarcasm, by the way. As expected... nothing.

While I knew that was coming, it still stings a bit to know that really, if it isn't something they have interest in personally ( you name it, one of a thousand different hobbies) then they just don't care. Apparently one thing they don't have interest in personally is me.

I will always wonder, just a wee bit, where I got my deep sense of empathy from. My mother is sensitive and empathetic, but no one else. I find that I mimic many of her behaviors more and more as I age so perhaps I was paying closer attention to her as a child then I thought? I have been shocked to learn recently that my youngest brother, who I always thought of as a pest in my childhood/teen years, also has a deep sense of empathy. I was shocked, simply shocked, to find him as my biggest personal supporter. Perhaps he was watching Mom too.... Who knows. But I'm starting to see a line in my life with myself and people who think/feel like me on one side and those others.. others whom I love but have nothing in common with, on the other side. It isn't just that our interests are different, but our whole way of life; what's important to each of us, how we treat others, and so on.

Surrogacy has changed me. I am still at the starting line, but already I see that the race I'm running is not the race that most of my family runs in. A line has been drawn and the only way to cross it is to run a different race. I can not articulate how grateful I am to have learned this. When I think of all the years, emotions, energy that I have wasted trying to get others to run my race or for me to run theirs.... it is just so FREEING to finally SEE that line. To know who I am. To know where I stand; no waffling, no asking others' opinions. And being happy, truly happy, to be who and what I am. No more wasted time, energy, and emotions.

Those two pink lines last night have changed me forever, and I can't tell you how happy I am that they did.

Why the serious post amidst all the silliness? Someday someone may come across this blog who is also contemplating surrogacy. It's not all flowers and rainbows. There is some rain and mud there as well. But once you get past the mess, the rainbow is beautiful.

Today? My rainbow looks like two beautiful little pink lines. May they stick around for a good long time.

Well I'll be Damned...

Peeing on Things At Random

Negative. All tests negative so far.


We still have a few days left before we need to worry, but I'm still pretty glum about the results so far. And I've just learned that only one little embryo made it to be frozen. One. Out of all those eggs, one. The pressure is definately on, but I'm doing my best not to go into complete freak out mode till we go to Beta on Wednesday. But I've got to say, if I'm still pissing negatives on Wednesday, the beta results won't really matter, now will they.

::insert totally sad and incredibly nervous face here::

I had a 56% chance of conceiving for this transfer. Good odds!
I had a 69% chance of seeing a positive on a urine test this early. Which means that I clearly fall in the 31% who will need a bit more time for that good quantity of HCG to show up.
More pee tomorrow.


Fingers crossed, prayers said ( if you swing that way) & positive thoughts.. PLEASE.

It Starts......Pics now!

Los Angeles at night.

My driver, Caesar. He was SO wonderful!
I arrived at the Hilton Saturday night at 9pm, checked into my small but comfortable room, and prepared for my evening. I'm not going to say what that lamp base reminds me of. Because I'm a lady.

Was shocked to learn Internet had a fee so I pissed and moaned about that for a bit then searched the mini bar. Didn't drink anything but had a good look at the awesome selection!
I had a PIO and a Delestrogen to inject Saturday night...... and this fancy schmancy hotel doesn't have a microwave in the room. But they did conveniently have some Gel Douche, should I need it. Which I didn't, thank goodness.

The Microwave, however, I had counted on to warm up my heat pad sufficiently to make me willing to poke holes in my bum with a syringe.

Scene: Me, 9:30pm Saturday night, dangling my ample ass over the bath tub edge and under the running HOT water in order to cook my jiggily-glute meat enough to make injections doable.

Scene: Me, 9:38pm Saturday night wiggling my toes and hissing a bit as the lovely and anticipated PIO shot makes it known that rump roast is not properly cooked and PIO is not happy with this.

Scene: Me at 4:30am Sunday morning waking up to shower and primp myself up enough to impress the little blastocyst into sticking around and almost falling on my face as my right badonkadonk contributor flat refuses to perform due to the HORRIFYING stresses forced upon it the evening prior.

Scene: Me about ten minutes ago noticing the lovely purple bruise forming on said roundness. Have developed pygoscopophobia over my pygalgia.

But other then that thing are great! The lovely Lynlee, a friend and fellow surrogate who joined my on my trip has all but hog-tied me to the bed to keep me still and is a wonderful companion through the quietness. Some of the travel arrangements like, oh, I don't know, transportation, etc. weren't ever made but all that means is I don't get to buy the icky junk food I would have purchased with those funds and I DO get to call my agency tomorrow and ask what the patootie happened and who dropped the ball on this issue. Which I will do from a comfy, relaxed state of repose here on my squishy bed. No twitchiness.

If it would fit in my suitcase, I'd steal these pillows.

Sunday morning I boosted my chances of success by wearing the lucky transfer colors, green and yellow. We called a cab at 5:45 and headed off to the RE's office, ready as I'll ever be for transfer!

Finally Sunday morning at 6:45am P-Daddies baby was introduced to the happy wonderland that is my uterus, hopefully to find the place comfortable and snuggle in for a wee little bit...like 38 weeks or so. Here's the only "action" photo you're going to get. That's Dr.Sahakien, the most awesome and hilarious RE that is taking care of me and this surrogacy pregnancy. This is minutes before transfer while I'm looking at the beautiful little brain-like ball that is P-Daddies wee one. I won't say what Sahakien is looking at. Post transfer. I'm on an incline table ( you can't really tell) and I had to lay like that with my head slightly down and hips slightly up for an hour. When I sat up and all the blood rushed elsewhere.... whoosh! That was unexpected. But the room was dark and quiet, it was actually quite relaxing!

Now... sticky thoughts. Very,very sticky thoughts. This wee little one really should hang around for a while!

** HA HA HA HA HA!! Just got a call from the front desk.. a letter was just dropped off for me and guess, just guess what was inside??? The travel arrangements that I needed at 5:45 this morning. Where, oh where do they keep their time machine? I so want to go back and get that cab money so I can buy a $12 bag of Peanut Butter M&M's!


______________

Ever wonder what a $30 salad looks like?

The lovely Lynlee and I

The only really BAD food we ordered the whole time... just LOOK at that cheesecake!

Outside the Hilton.

See, P-Daddy? Orchids MUST mean good luck, right? They were everywhere!

The stretch limo that took us back to the airport. Sheesh, last minute arrangments landed us quite the upgrade! I've never been in a limo so it was quite the treat!

Ready Or Not....

Tomorrow afternoon I fly out to LA and check into the Beverly Hilton for my "baby making" vacation. Transfer is set for Sunday at 7am. and I fly home Monday night.

When the hell did we go from "wow, things are slow and this is taking soooo long." to "TOMORROW I fly out to make a baby."???

Apparently time was indeed passing by as I moaned and complained about...um... time not passing by. Which is so me, so I forgive myself.

Self, you are forgiven.

In the mean time, updatish...:

PIO is a PITA.

My first PIO left a hot lump that has since blossomed into a bruised golf ball of fun on my ample right arse cheek. Numbers 2 and 3 have been pieces of cake. (Ooh! cheesecake! Please, can it be a piece of cheesecake??) The trick? Cook the arse meat BEFORE injection, not as much after. Subsequent injection sites just feel bruised.. imagine having a three year old with pointy shoes kick you in the bum-booty. That's what it feels like; a deep meat bruise. The upside to these new daily shots is I've had to get used to doing them myself.. even the left cheek which had remained unblemished and undisturbed thus far.

Oh hey, can you tell there have been some more just oh so wonderful side effects? On last Saturday I wore my favorite pair of GAP size 6 jeans. I love these pants because they are the perfect fit.. not too tight but not so loose that they fall off of my rear. Yesterday I pulled this trusty trouser out of the closet and cried a bit on the inside when I saw the muffin-top they created. MUFFIN TOP, PEOPLE. It says right there on the packaging "possible side effects, water retention, the growth of 2 or 3 three additional chins, and muffin top" but who would have thought I'd be lucky enough to get all three??! Awesome.

SO. Next update will be from a state of repose in my squishy comfy bed at the Hilton as I recline and mentally encourage P-Daddies wee little trooper of a baby to snuggle in and make himself (herself? Hmm...)at home OH. For those not in the know; We will be transferring just one super duper happy 5 day embryo ( a blastocyst) on Sunday so our risk of multiples is incredibly low.. but that also means we're only putting only one egg in the basket and hoping it eventually makes a chicken. Which it will, I have no doubt.


See you from the Maternity Ward!

Siggy-de-Lite

I've had the above signature on my Surrogacy forum for the longest time! That is each of my children at around 3 months old.. I just love catching them in a yawn! But! With things progressing, I felt it was time for an update. I'm happy with it and just thrilled to be making some sense out of Photoshop finally. Ch-ch-ch-changes! It is so exciting to be moving forward!

Can I Have Your Attention Please

We. Have. A Transfer. Date.


November 11th, 2007 at 7am I plan on getting knocked up.

I'll fly down the night before and stay on bed rest for 48 hours after all by myself because there's no one local to bring, which is fine. I'll sleep and order in, it'll be great!

Progesterone starts on Tuesday!

Well... Happy-Crap? Crappy-Yay?

Our lovely egg donor went in for a check and came back with 22 happily developing follicles!! Woo hoo! The more targets the better, we want a good outcome! The down side... this pushes our retrieval date and therfore the transfer date back several days. While I actually don't have a problem with the added wait, it means M is going to have to do some quick talking at work to see if the days off he requested and was granted can be given back to him, as well as checking on getting entirely different days off.. it means the childcare we had lined up will have to be cancelled and new childcare arranged for.. it means a larger pain in my ass then previously discussed. Unless!! If we do transfer on the 12th, and I can fly down there in the wee morning of the 12th, M will only need one day off and we won't need ANY childcare as I should be back by Friday morning... so fingers crossed for that, if you please!

Today, lining check and blood work. Perhaps, maybe PIO shots ( but maybe not.. those might also be pushed back a few days..)

**************************************
Update: Definately no PIO tonight... They will call ( suuuure) on Sunday with the donor update and further instructions. Contiune E2V as usual.

Holy Crap, could I BE More Weepy?

Weeping. Copiously. At the drop of a hat...

Honestly, how sad is it really that the hat dropped???

Apparently sad enough for me to weep. Which is pathetic. Which makes me weep some more. At myself.

Plus, I put on like 2 pounds.

And gained none of the other more "fun" side effects of Delestrogen injections.
Crap and Dammit.

Which makes me weep.

All the tears aside, injections going well! I am all too aware that my plentiful weeping episodes are perfectly normal and silly and I don't take them too seriously. But the Visa commercial? With the dog? Why the hell does that make me cry?

Looking forward to November first, when the estrogen stops and the progesterone starts... yes, those injections are said to be hell in a needle, but good Gawd, can we STOP with all the WEEPING??!!

Ha ha ha..

Then see? I'm fine again.

A Moment Of Silence

For my right glute, if you please. Tonight's E2V injection seems to have been stabbed directly into the center of a once happy colony of uber-sensitive nerve endings. Alas, they are happy no more and are causing quite a disturbing sting. I think this is my punishment for having a painless experience thus far.

Things are going well. Injections are pretty easy ( tonight aside) and there are very few side effects, so that's good. Now I'm just passing time till my lining check and estrogen levels on the first, which is when I'll start my PIO ( progesterone in oil) injections and... ahem... suppositories. Both of which I'm not exactly thrilled about. BUT!! A week after that I leave for transfer, so where's the downside, exactly??

Also, please keep our egg donor in your thoughts... she lives in southern California amongst all the smoke so I know P-Daddy and I are wishing our biggest wishes that she and her family remain safe and healthy.

One Down.

OK, I will fully admit to being scared shitless of tonight. Why? At one point in my life I had to prick my fingers regularly to test my blood glucose level. A teeny, tiny prick of my finger.

And I couldn't do it.

I just could NOT force myself to poke a hole in my body. Pierce my skin. On purpose. Couldn't do it. I had my husband prick my finger for me, then invested in a more expensive testing model that would allow me to test on my arm.

So imagine my jitters when I've got to come up with the gumption to inject OIL directly into my BUTT CHEEK with a TWO inch needle. All. By. Myself. Husband works evenings till midnight-thirty. That's too late to do this injection. And there isn't anyone else willing to come over and help. So I've got to go it alone. Which is fine, but I'm a huge weenie so it was a big deal. I prepped my arse then procrastinated for a good 15 minutes... getting the camera pre-focused ( because of COURSE I'm going to document this!), taking worthless pictures of various things balanced on my bum... holding the syringe in my hand to warm the oil... deep breathing in and out... ok, hyperventilating a wee bit.... carefully poking around to find the least sensitive smidgen of skin to defile... debating with myself if I should put it on my skin then PUSH it in abruptly, or "dart" it in as suggested... getting a wee bit teary... ( hey, I said I was a weenie...)

Then I placed the point on my hip/butt, closed my eyes, jabbed it in...... and kind of laid there stunned for a second as I absorbed that it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I thought it was going to be! Tiny sting to start, and that's it! So I took my pictures, slowly injected the Delestrogen, capped and disposed of the syringe, and rubbed my bum with an alcohol prep pad for the rest of Pretty Woman on TBS. It's just a bit achey now.

So. Not so bad! I know I will still be nervous the next time around, but at least now I know what to expect.

One down............

Phase One: Arse Prep

The meds; they have arrived. I lucked out and got an easy estrogen protocol for this first part. But the NEEDLE?? That goes in my BUTT?? Is like 2 INCHES long!! And it has to go ALL THE WAY in!! Someone snitched and told them I had a lot of "padding" on top of my muscle, apparently.
Saturday is the day. Countdown to arse jabs: T Minus 3 days!

CHECK!

Surrogacy Final Agreement: CHECK
Reviewed. Signed. E-Mailed and Snail-Mailed via certified mail today.

Medical/Life Insurance Application: CHECK
Reviewed. Signed. Off to underwriting for final policy statement.

Courage-In-A-Bucket In Preparation for the Buttload ( literally) of Injections To Begin On Saturday: CHECK ( cheek)
Haagen Dazs. Ben & Jerry's.

Pre-Whining In Anticipation of Above Referenced Buttload: CHECK
And BOY is "M" excited!

Like Sands Through The Hourglass..*UPDATED*

As many of you have noticed, Thursday has indeed come and gone. Things? They are awesome.

We dropped the children off at brother-in-laws house Wednesday night.. There was minimal crying and carrying on. Apparently R did wake up in the wee hours of the morning and freaked the 'ef out because she couldn't figure out where she was, who these people were, etc. And joy of joys.. she woke the 8 other children occupying the house at that time as well ( family visits, etc. all at the same time) so HUGE thanks go out to BIL and SIL for just being plain awesome. The children were happy and healthy when we picked them up Thursday night and our "abandonment" has had no ill effects thus far. So whoot for that.

We woke at the ridiculous hour of 3 to prepare for our trip out.

With the flight leaving at 6 and the airport requiring us to be there at least 1.5 hours in advance, we were pooped, to say the least. Chipper, but pooped. It was an easy, slept through flight ( a first for us) and we were pretty excited when we landed. After a quick bite for breakfast we headed over to the office a bit early where we were informed that P-Daddy was already there! and waiting on us!

P-Daddy. You are exactly as I pictured you. Mannerisms and everything. Awesome.

We headed right off for Knotts Berry Farm ( a 45 minute cab ride away) and chatted up a storm the whole time. Once there.. RIDES, baby!

We started off easy with the log ride. Which was sad. And explained the bored faces of the 4 year olds getting off in front of us. Then moved up the next step to the Montezumas Revenge. Which was awesome. Things only got more ridiculous from there. There were NO lines on any of the rides which means we could just stay on and ride again if we wanted to, which we did.

P-Daddy and I have similar ride tolerance... It was that "repeat" of the suspended twisty-turny roller coaster that did M in.... He was off to the cans outside the gate, heaving away. I giggled, but it was only because I was THRILLED it wasn't me... I came close! That was the end of the rides for M, but it didn't stop P-Daddy and I!! We rode the XCELERATOR again 3 ( or was it 4?) more times... that has GOT to be the coolest ride EVER. At one point I'm ashamed to say my dirty sailors mouth got the better of me as I cussed away my glee with a screamed " Oh My F**kin GOD!!" right directly into the delicate ears of the school children watching the fun. My shame; it was profound.

I have no idea what my breasts are doing. This ride seems to smoosh them in the oddest way. I swear, they don't look like that in real life! BUT, note to self: buy more supportive bra! Because this one? Isn't cutting it!

That rollercoaster behind us is the Xcelerator, the one in all the pics and the video.

That's P-Daddy and I in the very front.. every now and then you get a glimpse of us. That particular roller coaster goes from 0-85 in like 2 seconds. The pictures are taken like half a second after it begins just as it starts to reach peak speed.

Bottom line.. we had fun. And we really got to know each other as well.

P-Daddy is just exactly who I would have picked to make a family for, so I was SUPER excited to get a call from the clinic clearing me for meds NEXT WEEK! We're hoping for an early November transfer(!!!!) That is a full MONTH+ earlier then we thought things would be happening. I am SO thrilled to be moving forward at such a pace! This visit really solidified what I had suspected all along; P-Daddy just might be as twitchy as I myself am at times!

This match: it is good.

Is It Thursday Yet??

Excited now.

But terrified, as well. Not of the meeting, that's gonna be a fun piece of cake. Fondant, even.

I don't want to leave my kids. No, it's not that I don't want to leave my kids, it's that I don't want to scare them by leaving. R still has night terrors of me leaving, and I hate that I did that to her. The plan was to take them to sister-in-laws home, put them to bed there, etc. No scary wake in the wee hours to leave kind of stuff. But I don't want to do that. I want them to feel safe and go to bed in their own beds. Ideally I'd find some kind angel willing to come to my home at 4am and be there for the kids when they wake up, then deliver said children to sister-in-laws home to play all day. That would be perfect. However. I know no such angel. I don't even really know how to begin to find such a person. And that makes me sad, because I don't want to hurt my kids. I want them to feel safe and secure at all times. Me leaving, taking them somewhere strange to sleep isn't doing that, nor is waking them to deliver them to that strangeness. So no matter what, I lose. No, I don't lose. My children lose. Which is worse.

Next!

We have official travel date and time! Whoop!

A week from today, next Thursday the 11th, Matt and I will fly out (once again in the wee hours of the morning) to LA where we will meet up with our Norwegian friend.
The One. The Only.
P-Daddy.

A day of silliness will follow with a trip to Knotts for some screaming madness and quality get-to-know-you time. Nothing says "I Like You" like a shirt covered with your friends vomit.
It'll be awesome.

In other news... I've received the first draft of our contract! Another Whoop, please! I've only got a few minor changes to make and then we're OFF! Not sure where we're off to as we're scheduled for a December transfer, but at least the contracts will be behind us! YAY! I've got a meeting with the attorney next Tuesday to go over it, but if ( when) it all checks out all I've got to do is sign on the line! Then health/life insurance policies to write, hormones to inject, bitchiness to be had....

WOO HOO! for another step taken and behind us!

UpDation

So.

We've finally, after a million-ba-jillion years forever, had our "official" match meeting. Over the phone.

Yes ladies and....uh.... ladies. The match was via the ole' yammer-box. You may now groan in dismay.

Bite me.

I happily agreed to and in fact encouraged a phone match for several reasons. One, I know this guy. I know the important stuff. I know how I feel about the match. And I know it's right. Two, matching via phone means we can get started on CONTRACTS.. which, really, are the highlight of my day, I gotta say. They suck up time like you wouldn't believe and I'm eager to get that part behind me.

Second week in October we fly down to LA to have the official handshake followed by silly shenanigans that may or may not involve a trip to a salon and/or perhaps maybe a jaunt to Disney.. if I can talk all parties involved into such mischief. Actually, don't think we'll have enough time for that.... I digress!! OOH!! I know! I wanna get my tongue pierced again!! We could find a good parlor there and do that!! Because that must absolutely happen before any kind of baby making can occur ( tongue rings tend to throw off the ol' cooter wand or something.. that might be a myth, but who knows). Wait. Will have to check with my surrogacy contract, that might be a no-go as well. Dang it!

Anyway. That's the update, scattered though it may be.

Later!

*****************

Update! Shenanigans have been agreed upon! Yipee!!!!

Crawl

Good Lawd.

So paperwork can take forever, apparently. Like an entire lifetime, I guess. Then again, there IS a lot to coordinate.. many i's to be dotted, many t's crossed. Blah blah blah.. yes. I get it.

**sigh**

I'm just so BORED, is all.

One of my buddies asked me if I would still have worked with P-Daddy if I'd known how time consuming this first part was going to be. I sat stunned for a full minute, I think, before answering. It was just so obvious to me. And her views of this surrogacy became obvious, too.

I wanted to work with P-Daddy because he'll be a great dad. I think he has a lot to offer a child. I also think we'll have a really special long-term relationship. Maybe not a "Oh my gawd, like, so awesome! BFF's" kind of friendship, but a really comfortable knowledge that we are both in this for the same reason... to give a child an awesome home.

Hell yes, I would still have signed up to work with P-Daddy. I'm not doing this to make a "quick family". I'm doing it to make the RIGHT family.

So.

You take your time, P-Daddy. Dot those i's. Cross those t's.

You make your "nest" as ready as it needs to be.

I'm not going anywhere. Even if I am bored. ;-)

*hoping for a call early next week with a date for the "official" match meeting, but hell, you never know. Could be the week after. Here's my luck: we'll transfer first week in December. Wouldn't that be ironic? BUT. That's ok. Wee one will be worth it.

Over-Thinking for Fun and Entertainment!

Things kind of bla-bla-bla around here. Paperwork mounds to deal with, contracts to be filed, lawyers to be retained.... This is the most boring wait imaginable.
But soon! soon we will have the official match meeting date set! Then! things move forward! While I have HATE the wait.. I mean seriously, hate the wait. It has been a good thing, I think. Knowing P-Daddy ( yes, that's what I'm calling him here. why? because i think it's funny. Plus, no permission to use his name and all that. Hey P... if you've got a better acronym let me know, OK? ) before our actual match has been a blessing in disguise. We....match. I, of course, am the twitchy, bouncy, super excited one. He is the calm, thoughtful, also super excited one. We have the same ideas about our relationship, about what we want to mean to each other and his child in years to come, about what's really important in life....

Plus, and lets be honest here, he is a wee bit yummy on the eyes. That never hurts. Lucky for everyone he's gay or M would have to play the jealous husband. As it is I get to safely enjoy my eye candy without offending anyone. Woo Hoo!

I'm really looking forward to the Match Meeting in LA. Not nervous at all because while it is the first time we'll see each other, we've already met. It's not a first date, it's not an interview. It's finally setting eyes on a new friend with no pressure involved to impress, etc. He already KNOWS I'm twitchy and high-strung. I don't have to worry about that. He already KNOWS what I look like, what I sound like, and what I "think" like. And while that might scare the b'jesus out of some, he's apparently decided to stick it out with me! So big WHOOP WHOOP to me!

I'm trying to think up some fun/easy activity the 3 of us can do to pass the time while there. We once again will be flying in early in the morning and flying out late that night so won't have the comfort of a hotel to go flop in to relax after the official meeting. Wait... Hey P! YOU will have a hotel! We should go to the Salon ( I don't know... you could say you want a scalp massage?? I'd say get a trim but somehow I don't think they'll buy into that....) then head back to the hotel for disgusting amounts of room service and pay-per-view!! Food is always a good pass time.

Hmmm, wait. .... Now we all know why I stay a wee bit on the fluffy side.

So anyway.... no real update right now. No big changes. But soon! Soon there will be changes! Things to write about! Early mornings, then daily injections, then more flights, then MORNING SICKNESS!!

It'll be great. I swear.


***********UPDATE!**************

No sooner had I hit publish, when into my e-mail account popped a NEW message from my Case Coordinator with the official profile and information to approve! Yipee!!! So of course, with the lightning speed of my kind I replied with a "YES YES ABSO-freakin'-LUTELY YES!!".

Monday. Monday I should have a meeting date.

Can I get a WOO to the HOO??!!

The Notch; It Has Moved Up

Finally.

I have been matched.

I'm all a-twitter about it, in the most pathetic of ways. Husband is properly put out at the new infatuation and at the same time SUPER stokked because even HE can see what an awesome match it is.

Official formal match meeting hasn't been scheduled, but "they" say it's within 2 weeks.

And. From what I know of him so far;

He's gonna be an awesome dad.

And a great friend.


:sigh:

I knew I did the right thing!

In a Holding Pattern

Things have become a wee bit stagnant here on my surrogacy journey. While I have been welcomed back to my agency with open arms, I have opted NOT to be put back onto the "available" lists with the matcher's. I am holding out for the perfect match with a daddy, but I haven't gotten confirmation weather or not we will work together, etc. It could be weeks before I really know anything either way. The wait SUCKS but I really think it will be totally worth it if this hoped-for match goes through.
Cross all available fingers and other various bits that it does! The not knowing is killing me, but we all know patience is NOT my strong point. So this is a good lesson for me!

Liar Liar!!!

Well slap my face and call me Sally!

( no actually, don't. My name isn't Sally, and hitting isn't nice. we keep our hands to ourselves, please!)

Kissed and made up, I am BACK with my cleared agency!!! WOO HOO!! We're back on the road, down the path, and running fast towards a match! I just can't describe in words how awesome this makes me feel. This agency is one of the best in the business. I am so super stokked that I'm working with them again!!

Ethics

They are a tricky thing.

I am no longer working with my previously-raved about agency. We have a big difference of opinion. Big enough that we maybe aren't the best match for each other.

In a sense I am relieved.. I want to work with only like-minded people. I have been "recruited" by several other agencies since announcing my availability... I will be spending the next few weeks researching them and finding the perfect match for me. But AAAHHH at having to start all over again from square one! Plus I really LIKED my agency!!! I am considering putting it off till next year.. the holiday season is coming up, I am excited about a new business venture, we're moving soon..... We'll see. One agency I am considering actually has a branch office locally, which would be awesome. Yah.. we'll see.

Fancy!

I am such a sucker. I found a site where I can design things and sell them in my own online "store". Check out what I've got so far at the link to the left! I am hoping to add some awareness and maybe educate a little... Surrogacy is a new concept and many people really don't know much about it. I am looking forward to the opportunity to open up discussion! I really strongly believe that there is more then one way to make a family..... traditionally with a mama and a daddy getting pregnant because they looked at each other sideways..... with medical aid, adoption, surrogacy, single, gay, lesbian......... beautiful and happy families come in all shapes and sizes. A good friend and I were talking and she made what I feel is a profound statement.

"We don't need to teach our children tolerance..... we need to teach them diversity."

What a concept. Think about it... do I merely want my children to tolerate differences? Or do I want them to embrace those differences and accept that people are diverse. My favorite shirt in the store says "There's More Then One Way to Make a Family". And that is what I will teach my children.





But here's the first shirt I'll be buying when the time comes!

Front of shirt

Back of shirt

_______________________________________________________

And I am LOVING this one!

Sad

Sadly, this match just wasn't meant to be. A funky legal issue we couldn't agree on means we can't proceed. I'm not sure what this means about my status as a Surrogate with this agency, I might have to find a different agency to work with.

But this journey, short as it was, is over.

**Updated**

STILL with my awesome agency, all is understood. Am hoping for a new match in the next few days!!

We're Baaaack!

Another LONG day, over and done with. Once again we flew out at 6am, this time leaving the kids with my sister. I didn't get to sleep till after midnight that night, and had to get up at 3 to get everyone ready to leave the house at 4... So I was tired. But so pumped up with adrenaline that I didn't notice!

When we arrived in LA we once again had a driver waiting for us. This time, instead of a town car we were picked up in a Cadillac SUV....super fancy! Alas, no breath mints though.
We arrived at the agency early for our meeting. We were given leave to go find some brunch to kill time and walking directions to the IHOP down the street. I was JUST tucking into my Chicken Caesar Salad when... through the door, followed by 3 women and a HUGE bodyguard of some sort.......

Yes, ladies and gentlemen... that there is RON JEREMY! Of ALL the people to have my first "celeb siting" with..... Porn legend Ron Jeremy was the one. He was actually very nice, gladly posing for a picture with me when I rudely interrupted his oatmeal. ( Yes, I did wash up just nanoseconds afterwards). Needless to say, I was on a giggling-high for the next several hours. Called everyone I could think of because that is just FUNNY! and I had to share. Good lord.... Ron Jeremy....... Sheesh.

Still laughing and texting with friends, we walked back to the agency and settled down on their super comfy sofas in a "matching" room to wait for the potential Daddy to arrive. All too soon, the wait was over. My coordinator came in, said he's here, are you ready? and just moments later, in he came.

**edited to respect former IF's privacy**

After we parted, husband and I decided to just explore the area. We ended up at the Rancho La Brea Tar Pits, one of the world's most famous fossil localities. It was fun, interesting, and worthwhile... even if it was a wee bit stinky with the stench of asphalt drifting everywhere.

He is such a goober, gawd love em' .One of the hundreds of calls I received that day.

Shortly later I was contacted by the wonderful "L", my friend and mentor from the surrogacy support forum. She was in town, hanging out with "her" guys, getting ready for her transfer today! ( good luck! sticky SINGLE wishes for you!!)She had some time to spare, so borrowed her guys' BMW and came to pick us up. I got to hang out at the fancy salon they own for a wee bit, and actually got to take a drive to Jack Nicholson's home in Beverly Hills so that he could get a trim!!! Now of course we had to stay in the car while "her" guy ran in to cut, and I only caught a glimpse of him as we left... but GOODNESS!! Celebs seen in one day.. TWO. Odds of that happening... SLIM. Cases of severe car-sickness because of the...special... way LA natives tend to drive.... ONE. But I didn't actually throw up, so that's good.

The day was over far too quickly and we soon found ourselves on a wee little airplane flying back. I was exhausted, the kids were missing us, and it was time to go home.

And home, I am.

Next step? The *FUN*FANCY* introduction to injectible drugs. Cycle time, Here I Come! I'm a busy busy lady, I've got a whole FAMILY to make!

Move Along

My goodness, I have a potty mouth lately, don't I?!
Things have progressed here at a right whirlwind pace. Thursday, as in tomorrow, we will be once again flying out to L.A..
And this is the BIG ONE.
This is the flight that ends with me meeting the IP's.
I could not. be. more. nervous.

Y'all, I haven't been on a first date since I was 16 YEARS OLD! And this is very much like a first date... except instead of boy hoping to make it to 2nd base at the end of the evening, this boy is hoping to, you know, get me pregnant. Eventually. Whoa.
I am torn between total self conscience worry ( "Will he like me? Will he notice my lack of a pedicure? Should I bring a mini-mouthwash with me?? IS THAT A PIMPLE??!) and a true me punk-like attitude of "Will I like HIM? Will he make ME comfortable??"

Either way, I'm off to raid a friends closet this afternoon. To get the "right" outfit. To wear a wee bit of confidence.

Wish me luck!

All Systems Are a GO!

Got the re-test results back today.

NEGATIVE!!

Thank freakin' gawd. I was going out. of. my. mind. with worry. M does NOT have HepC, I have been introduced via e-mail to my case manager, and already have a profile in my inbox to review. DANG these people can be quick!

Next step... mutual profile approval and the Match Meeting in LA.

WOOO to the HOOO!!

Damn It!

Another f'ing delay. We won't know till late tomorrow, possibly WEDNESDAY.

I do believe we're done.

We'll know Monday, but this is probably over.

At This Point

No news is good news! Actually, I DID get a call from the head of the Psyche department at GG. She assured me that I had indeed passed, etc. So now all we're waiting on is that medical clearance! I honestly can't see any problems with that one, but you never know. Once that comes in ( my current case manager expects this to happen by Friday) I'll get matched. That is the part I'm really looking forward to! MEETING them!

A LONG Day

Kids were up all night. K wanted comfort, R kept worrying about "coughing". I got UP at 3:30, loaded the car, woke M, woke R... and spent the next 45 minutes holding her as her tummy was obviously upset. We almost didn't go. Then she got all excited about taking a ride in the car so we just went ahead and loaded them up! K didn't make a peep, he was just up and curious as to what the hell we were doing AWAKE at this ungodly hour. Leaving them at brother-in-laws house was not so easy. K, of course, was no problem. R.... well she didn't feel well! She was confused, it was so early in the morning... and she had not really spent any time there before. We ended up using the "rip the band aid" approach as I put her in sister-in-laws arms, gave her a hug and kiss, told her I loved her, then raced out the door. I'm told she cried for a minute, till they got the TV on, then didn't really notice that I was gone the rest of the day. Phew!

The flight was long and boring, as all flights go. I got a bit of a migraine on the descent ( pressure related, maybe?) but did NOT get motion sick, as is my habit. We were met in baggage claim by a little man with a BIG sign with my name on it.. from the town car service. That car was awesome. Comfy, plush, HUGE inside, and MINTS! They had a wee little trey of MINTS for their passengers! Perhaps a history of fugly mouthed early morning travelers, I don't know, but I thought it was great!

Our first appointment wasn't till 11 that morning. The town car dropped us at that office at 9:30. We snuggled in for a long wait in the waiting room when the RE walked by, saw us, and got all excited about getting one of "us" ( surrogates from GG, their partner agency) out EARLY rather then late. We were called back for the consult less then 20 minutes after arriving.

The RE, was awesome. He was just... awesome. Super nice, caring, comfortable, casual, easygoing, professional.. just awesome. Plus, he looks like a fluffier Robert DeNiro. We will now call him Dr. Awesome since hey, he was. After the consult portion we had to start the nitty-gritty business of clearing our "bodies" for this challenge. M got some blood drawn and some pee collected, then (prude) decided to wait in the waiting room for my portion to be complete. I needed to have a Sonohysterogram (SHG) to verify that I did indeed have a uterus and it was indeed functional. ("This test is performed to see if the cavity of the uterus is normal. The test usually takes 3-5 minutes to perform and may cause some moderate cramping. Approximately 30 ml (2tsp) of a sterile salt solution is injected into the uterine cavity while an ultrasound is being performed. ") I also got a pap, etc and all that boring stuff. ( Side note, side note... I now weigh, officially, 4 pounds LESS then I did when I started TTC for R. LESS. )

OK, so I've been going to Gyn's for years. Once a year since the age of 16, then several times in a year with my pregnancies. I have had my fair share of awkward legs-in-stirrups moments. None of them are pleasant. All of them are uncomfortable. A wee bit embarrassing. Dr. Awesome is AWESOME. Joking and laughing the whole time, yet still professional and caring about the whole thing. He had a monkey-banana mobile hung above the bed and when I voiced my approval of viewing distractions he went on about how it was all his idea, how he thought about hanging a penis mobile because it IS women who are laying there, then thought better of it because most, if not all, of the women there are there at that point because then are SICK of thinking about penises.. anyway, it was funny. He was funny. The whole thing was done before I even got a chance to get embarrassed, it was pretty painless and even that I don't really remember because I was busy laughing, etc. Yes, Dr. Awesome.

Anyway, so far I have 100% medical clearance. Big birthing hips "made to hold babies", a nice uterus that, while tipped, is perfectly functional and cushy. Initial hormone levels that are right on par with what they should be. We just have to wait on the results of the blood work now. I swear, they took a gallon of blood, it was so much! But they test for everything under the moon, which is good, I guess. If I "fail" on any of those tests we can't proceed. But so far so good! Our next destination was the GG headquarters for the Psych exams. We were, of course, super early. We got there at 11:45 and our appointment wasn't till 1. Once again, they worked us in early! It was pretty formal at first. I took a computer evaluation with close to a million questions, true or false. It took me about an hour and a half to get through. No, I don't think there is a plot against me. Yes, I do own mirrors in my home. No I don't enjoy the thought of setting a cat on fire. Yes, If I were a painter, I might paint a picture of a flower. No, I never hear voices that aren't there. Yes, I do remember my childhood..... on and on and on. Ugh. After that we moved into the live interview Psych exam. The lady was nice... but it was formal and kind of uncomfortable. This portion was very thorough. It was harder then it needed to be, I think, because she was so .... formal? But when we were done, my hand was shook, we were congratulated, and the rest of the staff came in to meet us because I was, for all intents and purposes "a perfect Surrogacy Candidate" according to one. I passed.

We get the medical screening stuff back in, at most, 10 business days. no more then 48 hours after that i will get my first "offer" or invitation. I have been told I can be picky by the DR. ( of course) about who I choose. I meet or exceed all status quo requirements. I guess not all Surrogates do. Sound so full of myself, huh? Well, they require a low BMI ( mine is 20.3) and the average BMI that they get is 30, which is also the top BMI accepted. I have had two textbook pregnancies and two super fast, easy natural deliveries. I have a super supportive husband and a pretty supportive family. Plus I have a passion for this. So yes, I'll be picky. In 10 business days or less, I will potentially be introduced to the family I will be a small part of forever. If I accept their invitation and they accept my acceptance, we meet in person. That will be another flight to LA for M and I. If we hit it off, if we really like each other, we move forward. I have already been given the cycle control drugs necessary for the first part of the IVF. I wait for CD 1 to start them, which is 20 or so days away. That is right about the time we'll be getting together to meet.. or sooner, depending on the med results and their travel availability, etc. It just gets more exciting from here!

We were finished early so had a large part of the day open to do whatever we wanted. We took a cab ( good lord, that was scary!) down to the Santa Monica 3rd Street Promenade, and the pier and beach there. It was fun and interesting. It really hit me hard what a "small town" girl I am!

There were transients sleeping all over the place, some of them just sleeping where they fell on the beach. There were thousands of people crowded on that beach, playing etc. No personal space though, you are playing right next to another group. You might TOUCH them while sunbathing. Just... weird for me, I have a much larger personal-space requirement. It was pretty neat people watching though. For how huge that city is and how populated, I was pretty surprised to see how CLEAN everything was! I expected more litter or something. Granted, we were apparently in a more affluent area, but still! It was fun. We were so tired, but it was fun. We had some dinner at a cafe on the promenade while a street performer, who was pretty good, sang her little heart out, her mother clapping along. We did lots of window shopping and wandering around before we headed over to the airport at 6:30 for our 9:15 flight home. The flight was just as boring as the first one, and once again there was NO motion sickness! YAY! WE picked up the kids at midnight ( they slept through it) and headed home... tired, but excited. The kids missed us, but not unbearably so. I called every few hours and each time they were playing and happy. It was HARD leaving them the whole day, especially with R not feeling so well and K... well I've never left K before, so that was just hard. But that part is done now, we'll have more notice next time about when we travel so will have more time to prepare!

Anyway, I'm excited. It all seems so real now!

*No, I don't know why M wanted a picture by the Porta Potty. We don't ask about these things, we just go along with them. Easier for all.

Good Lord **UPDATE

Travel tomorrow. Not sure on times or details yet, expecting that info in a few hours. Sheesh!

**************

AAACCKKK!!
Leave at 6 in the morning ( have to be at the airport no later then 5AM!!)

Have medical clearance, etc done at 11am:
"Your medical screening, held at the doctor’s office we selected for you, will take about 1 - 1½ hours and will consist of a uterine evaluation, urine drug screen, and blood-work. "

Have Psych evaluations at 1:
"For your psychological evaluation, you will be meeting with K. Bergman, Director of Psychological Services. Your psychological evaluation, held at G.G. , will last about 2 - 3 hours and will include both a consultation and extensive testing on the computer. "

Fight home leaves at 9:15, arrives back in Redmond at 11:45

Oh.... goodness! That is one long day! That is a WHOLE DAY! Being away from K and R... a WHOLE DAY!! Nervous about that! I'm sure they'll be fine. Both kids and dogs will be staying at my Brother-in-law's house. Yah, I kind of forgot about taking care of the dogs. But a WHOLE DAY!! That is going to be the hardest part! R will be fine, lots of other kids to playwith. K though... K is so YOUNG! only a YEAR!! He's gonna miss his MAMA!! But it's just one day. He'll be fine, I'm sure. Just one day.

Ugh.

Oh Wow.

We fly to L.A. next week for our Psych screening.. leave early in the morning, return that night. Wow. That was fast! The next hurdle is finding childcare for the day. The WHOLE day. Am sincerely hoping my BFF and the largest rock in my pocket will give up a day at work and come sit with my kiddos for the day. Backup is to have the kids go to my sisters house. Unsure about that as sister is somewhat opposed. Don't want to force participation you know? Not sure what day we fly out yet. I'll get a call on Monday with all the details. I am SO excited about this! Nervous, but excited! Today has been a hard day. Support system not in place yet.

To Support or Not Support, That is the Question

Not a hurdle but definitely a mud puddle I didn't really expect to land in. No response from most of my loved ones. They know, but........ nothing. It doesn't change anything, but it does make me a bit sad inside. I guess......... I thought they'd at least acknowledge? The few stiff conversations I've had about it have been disappointing. I feel....... judgment in their words. Disappointment? I wish they'd just come out and say what they're thinking! My online friends and a few others in real life have been awesome and I am comforted knowing that I do have a few rocks of support to lean on. Confused right now. Unsure. Not about the Surrogacy, but about how I feel about my family. The sad things, I know my in-laws will be totally supportive. That whole side of the family will be there for me. But not my own.

**Update**

Ahhh... I knew they would come around! YAY for having some family firmly in my corner! And it is refreshing to know about the members who are hesitant.. good to know where I stand.

Next!

I got my Benefits Package today for review.. it's full of all sorts of fun legal jargon, stipulations and regulations. An interesting read! I've got to re-order my Social Security card because the thing has a habit hiding until I don't need it and darn it if I don't need it now! Parts of the contract make me nervous.. but mostly the form submission part. I may well be the most unorganized person I've ever met, so putting me in charge of really important things ( Life Insurance Policy! Wage reimbursement! ) makes me vomit a little in my mouth. But I WILL learn. I'm faxing in my acceptance of terms tomorrow... next step will be a flight to L.A. for the Psych exam!

So, Questions? Comments?

It Starts

Gestational Surrogacy. Today is the first "real" day down this path. I've got the forms faxed in, the first interview complete. Now what? The agency I've chosen is well known and has a great reputation, but also is on the spendier side for the IP's ( Intended Parents). Not sure how I feel about that. I am considering doing a private search for a local couple and not using the agency at all.. but the legal aspects of that endeavor make me pucker a bit. Gonna let it sit for a while. I think once the agency verifies id's etc the next step is to go in to the OB's for a complete once-over then a visit with the Psych to get the thumbs up. Time line? I have no idea.I've joined a few forums for GS's and similarly minded women. I've learned a lot and each and every day I get more excited about this adventure! How AWESOME that I get to help make a family! Makes my insides happy. I look forward to the next step, whatever that may be.