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Saturday, November 17, 2007

Upsides and Downsides and Upside Down Sides

Ever since that fateful positive last night on the thousandth home pregnancy test I've noticed a change. Some awesome. Some not so much. Enlightening and to be expected.

First, lets all give a big WHOOP WHOOP to my uber awesome UTERUS, can we? It managed to hold on to that wee little ball of genetics and convince it, for the time being at least, to hang around. Which is quite a feat, considering how excitable that little DNA lump's father can get. I am completely relieved, yet would have been shocked had I NOT seen a positive some time soon. I know, glass half full and all that.

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my friends in real life and in the computer. Word got out this morning about the awesome positive and I received SO many e-mails and phone calls of support. Heck, one gal ( hi!) even came over in the middle of the night just to watch me pee on things. In a good way. And watch lines develop over and over and over... That's love. I also got calls and e-mails from my family in-law . Complete support and excitement.

But. I am a member of a parenting forum, have been for years. I met this group of ladies when my daughter was 6 months old and have chatted with them every day since. It's a small intimate group and it's actually rather common for things as mundane as the lunch menu to be discussed in detail every day. So imagine my surprise when, upon announcing my pregnancy this morning I didn't get the huge "OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! SO EXCITING!! Howareyoufeeling and howareyougoingtotellthekids and haveyoushoppedformaternityyet???!!!" that every other woman has gotten, but rather 2 hours of "views" and hardly any comments aside from the blah "wow. congrats". Support from that quarter has been lacking for this whole journey in general but I honestly thought they would be more happy for me and for P-Daddy then they were. And I was disappointed. Because these ladies are supposed to be my friends. The lackluster show of support was unexpected. Unnecessary, but unexpected.

And. I have site-meter. So I know who of my immediate family has read the news. Why no call with first hand announcing? Because with the exception of my mother, they've all made it pretty clear that the plan is to kind of pretend nothing is happening.... Not that they all are against it.. only a few are.. but they're just completely disinterested in this huge journey. They just don't care.

So you can just see the outpouring of support, excitement, hell.. interest.. that they are showing in my life, in this huge event.

That's sarcasm, by the way. As expected... nothing.

While I knew that was coming, it still stings a bit to know that really, if it isn't something they have interest in personally ( you name it, one of a thousand different hobbies) then they just don't care. Apparently one thing they don't have interest in personally is me.

I will always wonder, just a wee bit, where I got my deep sense of empathy from. My mother is sensitive and empathetic, but no one else. I find that I mimic many of her behaviors more and more as I age so perhaps I was paying closer attention to her as a child then I thought? I have been shocked to learn recently that my youngest brother, who I always thought of as a pest in my childhood/teen years, also has a deep sense of empathy. I was shocked, simply shocked, to find him as my biggest personal supporter. Perhaps he was watching Mom too.... Who knows. But I'm starting to see a line in my life with myself and people who think/feel like me on one side and those others.. others whom I love but have nothing in common with, on the other side. It isn't just that our interests are different, but our whole way of life; what's important to each of us, how we treat others, and so on.

Surrogacy has changed me. I am still at the starting line, but already I see that the race I'm running is not the race that most of my family runs in. A line has been drawn and the only way to cross it is to run a different race. I can not articulate how grateful I am to have learned this. When I think of all the years, emotions, energy that I have wasted trying to get others to run my race or for me to run theirs.... it is just so FREEING to finally SEE that line. To know who I am. To know where I stand; no waffling, no asking others' opinions. And being happy, truly happy, to be who and what I am. No more wasted time, energy, and emotions.

Those two pink lines last night have changed me forever, and I can't tell you how happy I am that they did.

Why the serious post amidst all the silliness? Someday someone may come across this blog who is also contemplating surrogacy. It's not all flowers and rainbows. There is some rain and mud there as well. But once you get past the mess, the rainbow is beautiful.

Today? My rainbow looks like two beautiful little pink lines. May they stick around for a good long time.


Franay said...

Geez girl, you're killing my buzz.
No matter what the dumbasses of the world say, you are doing an awesome thing. I'm super proud of you and super excited that I get to be along for the ride.

Where are the new pics of peed on things?!?!?! C'mon!!!

Bump Fairy said...

Oh the peeing has become so random that it is no longer contained to HPT's. Sorry. The camera was the first victim, I'm afraid.....


Eskimo said...

Sorry about the family thing... sad that they are so ignorant but hopefully in time they will see what a huge thing this is.

Oh and you do know that you have a completely new family now that will love you forever and ever (although kinda far away, they're there :-)

Amber said...

Well I for one am so happy for you! But I know it must be sad to not have your family there supporting you, I hope they come around soon.

Bump Fairy said...

Please, don't get me wrong. I know my family loves me, it's just that I can tell who has read the news, who knows.... and who hasn't bothered to say or do anything. It's my issue, not theirs. I'm the one who is bothered by the complete and total disinterest.. You can't force others to care. On a positive note many of the ladies on the forum have stepped up and seem genuinely happy about the news, so that's nice!

Life Is Good said...

Family stuff is tough-trust me I know!
I feel ya!
What you are doing is not hurtful to them or their feelings. Although their opinion on this matter differs from yours they need to realize that you are not doing this "to them". Besides you are doing this FOR someone else - it is not a selfish act!

Lynlee said...

I think I've told you my story about sucky family.

But you know what? My IF sends me way better birthday presents than my stinky ol' sister ever did. ;) And I also never have to question whether or not he accepts me, loves me, wants me in his life, supports me, thinks I'm awesome, etc.

Surrogacy is not an easy path to wander down. It's like, "Hey! There is this nicely paved, brand new, super highway in front of me. I think I'm gonna take the one over there. That one - the dirt road with tons of bumps, steep inclines, sharp drop-offs, brambles, tangly vines, and certainly an irritable creature or two that I'll stumble upon."

BUT (always a but) it is by far the most rewarding path one can take. To bring a child into this world who would otherwise never be here. To fulfill the dreams of another person by sacrificing yourself. To love enough to let go, to watch from afar. It isn't a journey for the weak or the insincere, that's a given.

I'm proud of you. I am happy for you. Thank you (and P-Daddy) for letting me be a small part of your process, your journey. I am blessed to have been there - at the start of this amazing little person (and at the beginning of the change of the big person s/he is growing in).