Movin' On Up

It's time Blogger and I went our separate ways. Security is no fun here, and the options, they are limited! I've moved over to HERE if you want to follow along! Many posts are password protected, so please e-mail me and I'll get you that password.

See ya' on the flip side!

Lovely Little Lump

Our ultrasound today made things all official. One beautiful little heart beating, one healthy little baby, nestled in all comfy-like.

Congratulations, P-Daddy. Your baby is beautiful!

Oh, the arms I had to twist to get this video!

P-Daddy Kills Some Time

Ultrasound is tomorrow, P-Daddy.........

Shocked and Amazed.

I was blessed today when a lovely lady knocked on my door and handed me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. The vibrant colors, the cheerful mood they inspire. P-Daddy, you're too much.

You really are too much; These beautiful and amateur photos were taken with the new Cannon Digital Rebel that arrived on my doorstep last night. Words can not express. This camera is my dream camera. It is that one item that ends up on the "some day, one of these days" list that we all have and remains there forever. I never would have been able to justify that kind of expense on myself. You have truly touched me with your thoughtfulness.

I swear, I'll make it up to you. Belly photos galore! Stretch marks and all! Weekly updates! Photos of... the OB's office? I'll think of something. Point is, I'll use it. I'll love it ( I already do!) and I'll be thinking of you each time I do.

Thank you, P-Daddy. There are no words.

Normal/Bad times 10,468

Well. Take your average kind of horrible PMS day ( or your friends if, say, you're a dude). Multiply the crappiness of that day by 10,468. You will now have gotten close to reaching the level of weepy emotional bitch that I currently living on. For women, it's the ebb and surge of Progesterone and Estrogen that cause the majority of PMS symptoms. I am currently injecting more then 200 times the normal levels of those hormones, intentionally and on purpose, into my body. And will continue to do so for another 6 weeks. in addition to the ever growing amount of those same said hormones that I'm now producing naturally, thanks to the wee little traveler. Things that would previously have just bugged me are now PISSING ME OFF and things that would previously have touched me are turning me into a blubbering puddle of goo.

Example of the patheticness that is my current life: Season finale of Dancing with the Stars. Yes. That uber stupid show. I swear, I broke into TEARS when Helio won. I WEPT. Shameful. Both that I watched that show and, you know, the weeping.

How to cope with such a sad, sad existence? Keep busy. Keep very, very busy. I am never not doing something. Even when I'm sitting doing nothing, I'm doing something. I learned to crochet from the lovely Lynlee when I flew down for transfer, and the number of dishrags I've got in the rag drawer is ever growing. Fingers busy, mind numbing counting stitches, ever busy. It's a craft and hobby I can do that causes no mess, I can start and stop whenever without any warning, it takes up no space and costs pennies. LOVE it. Granted, all I can make are, you know, dishrags because they're square and use non-furry yarn, but still. Everyone who eats needs a dishrag, right? Guess what most are getting for Christmas... you just guess.

Lucky for me, I have a decent grasp on reality. Even as I rage or blubber, I know it's the extra hormones. Not to say that I wouldn't normally be pissed off or happy, but my inhibitions around those normal emotions are gone. It's kind of freeing, actually. Ever wonder what I really thought of you? Ha, now's the time to ask. The "happy friendly puppies and rainbows" filter is not really working these days. For true friends and loving family, this is not a problem. Husband has been awesome. I can cry or rage all I want and he gets it. He understands. I've spent hours, literally, having a bitch-fest all about me with my best buddy and she gets it. She understands. It's very freeing and awesome knowing that I'm surrounded by such loving, understanding support. Just because I blubber a lot doesn't mean I'm emotional weak, just because I rage a lot doesn't mean I have an anger problem. It means that I'm almost OD'ing on some heavy stuff and this is how life is for me right now. We accept that and move on with things.

In the mean time, anyone want a dishrag?

30 Times 8 Equals....

Pregnant. Not just a little pregnant, but a lot pregnant.

10dp5dt.. Ten days past a 5 day transfer. The BETA goal for today's test was 100. Under 100, I test again in 2 days to see if my number doubles. Over 100, we assume all is going well as we have a nice healthy number, indicating a nice healthy pregnancy.

I went in for my blood work at 10am this morning. I requested a rush on the results as I knew P-Daddy was dying a slow and painful death not knowing. Around one I got the call.

239.9

two hundred thirty nine point nine.


I'd say that was well above a hundred, wouldn't you?

6 week ultrasound delayed because of vacation, scheduled for December 10th.

So. Pregnant lady here!

I would like a woo hoo, please.

Thank you.

Just in Case You Wanted More Proof

These are just a few of the positives, however faint, that I've gotten since Friday night.

Upsides and Downsides and Upside Down Sides

Ever since that fateful positive last night on the thousandth home pregnancy test I've noticed a change. Some awesome. Some not so much. Enlightening and to be expected.

First, lets all give a big WHOOP WHOOP to my uber awesome UTERUS, can we? It managed to hold on to that wee little ball of genetics and convince it, for the time being at least, to hang around. Which is quite a feat, considering how excitable that little DNA lump's father can get. I am completely relieved, yet would have been shocked had I NOT seen a positive some time soon. I know, glass half full and all that.

I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my friends in real life and in the computer. Word got out this morning about the awesome positive and I received SO many e-mails and phone calls of support. Heck, one gal ( hi!) even came over in the middle of the night just to watch me pee on things. In a good way. And watch lines develop over and over and over... That's love. I also got calls and e-mails from my family in-law . Complete support and excitement.

But. I am a member of a parenting forum, have been for years. I met this group of ladies when my daughter was 6 months old and have chatted with them every day since. It's a small intimate group and it's actually rather common for things as mundane as the lunch menu to be discussed in detail every day. So imagine my surprise when, upon announcing my pregnancy this morning I didn't get the huge "OMG CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! SO EXCITING!! Howareyoufeeling and howareyougoingtotellthekids and haveyoushoppedformaternityyet???!!!" that every other woman has gotten, but rather 2 hours of "views" and hardly any comments aside from the blah "wow. congrats". Support from that quarter has been lacking for this whole journey in general but I honestly thought they would be more happy for me and for P-Daddy then they were. And I was disappointed. Because these ladies are supposed to be my friends. The lackluster show of support was unexpected. Unnecessary, but unexpected.

And. I have site-meter. So I know who of my immediate family has read the news. Why no call with first hand announcing? Because with the exception of my mother, they've all made it pretty clear that the plan is to kind of pretend nothing is happening.... Not that they all are against it.. only a few are.. but they're just completely disinterested in this huge journey. They just don't care.

So you can just see the outpouring of support, excitement, hell.. interest.. that they are showing in my life, in this huge event.

That's sarcasm, by the way. As expected... nothing.

While I knew that was coming, it still stings a bit to know that really, if it isn't something they have interest in personally ( you name it, one of a thousand different hobbies) then they just don't care. Apparently one thing they don't have interest in personally is me.

I will always wonder, just a wee bit, where I got my deep sense of empathy from. My mother is sensitive and empathetic, but no one else. I find that I mimic many of her behaviors more and more as I age so perhaps I was paying closer attention to her as a child then I thought? I have been shocked to learn recently that my youngest brother, who I always thought of as a pest in my childhood/teen years, also has a deep sense of empathy. I was shocked, simply shocked, to find him as my biggest personal supporter. Perhaps he was watching Mom too.... Who knows. But I'm starting to see a line in my life with myself and people who think/feel like me on one side and those others.. others whom I love but have nothing in common with, on the other side. It isn't just that our interests are different, but our whole way of life; what's important to each of us, how we treat others, and so on.

Surrogacy has changed me. I am still at the starting line, but already I see that the race I'm running is not the race that most of my family runs in. A line has been drawn and the only way to cross it is to run a different race. I can not articulate how grateful I am to have learned this. When I think of all the years, emotions, energy that I have wasted trying to get others to run my race or for me to run theirs.... it is just so FREEING to finally SEE that line. To know who I am. To know where I stand; no waffling, no asking others' opinions. And being happy, truly happy, to be who and what I am. No more wasted time, energy, and emotions.

Those two pink lines last night have changed me forever, and I can't tell you how happy I am that they did.

Why the serious post amidst all the silliness? Someday someone may come across this blog who is also contemplating surrogacy. It's not all flowers and rainbows. There is some rain and mud there as well. But once you get past the mess, the rainbow is beautiful.

Today? My rainbow looks like two beautiful little pink lines. May they stick around for a good long time.

Well I'll be Damned...

Peeing on Things At Random

Negative. All tests negative so far.


We still have a few days left before we need to worry, but I'm still pretty glum about the results so far. And I've just learned that only one little embryo made it to be frozen. One. Out of all those eggs, one. The pressure is definately on, but I'm doing my best not to go into complete freak out mode till we go to Beta on Wednesday. But I've got to say, if I'm still pissing negatives on Wednesday, the beta results won't really matter, now will they.

::insert totally sad and incredibly nervous face here::

I had a 56% chance of conceiving for this transfer. Good odds!
I had a 69% chance of seeing a positive on a urine test this early. Which means that I clearly fall in the 31% who will need a bit more time for that good quantity of HCG to show up.
More pee tomorrow.


Fingers crossed, prayers said ( if you swing that way) & positive thoughts.. PLEASE.

It Starts......Pics now!

Los Angeles at night.

My driver, Caesar. He was SO wonderful!
I arrived at the Hilton Saturday night at 9pm, checked into my small but comfortable room, and prepared for my evening. I'm not going to say what that lamp base reminds me of. Because I'm a lady.

Was shocked to learn Internet had a fee so I pissed and moaned about that for a bit then searched the mini bar. Didn't drink anything but had a good look at the awesome selection!
I had a PIO and a Delestrogen to inject Saturday night...... and this fancy schmancy hotel doesn't have a microwave in the room. But they did conveniently have some Gel Douche, should I need it. Which I didn't, thank goodness.

The Microwave, however, I had counted on to warm up my heat pad sufficiently to make me willing to poke holes in my bum with a syringe.

Scene: Me, 9:30pm Saturday night, dangling my ample ass over the bath tub edge and under the running HOT water in order to cook my jiggily-glute meat enough to make injections doable.

Scene: Me, 9:38pm Saturday night wiggling my toes and hissing a bit as the lovely and anticipated PIO shot makes it known that rump roast is not properly cooked and PIO is not happy with this.

Scene: Me at 4:30am Sunday morning waking up to shower and primp myself up enough to impress the little blastocyst into sticking around and almost falling on my face as my right badonkadonk contributor flat refuses to perform due to the HORRIFYING stresses forced upon it the evening prior.

Scene: Me about ten minutes ago noticing the lovely purple bruise forming on said roundness. Have developed pygoscopophobia over my pygalgia.

But other then that thing are great! The lovely Lynlee, a friend and fellow surrogate who joined my on my trip has all but hog-tied me to the bed to keep me still and is a wonderful companion through the quietness. Some of the travel arrangements like, oh, I don't know, transportation, etc. weren't ever made but all that means is I don't get to buy the icky junk food I would have purchased with those funds and I DO get to call my agency tomorrow and ask what the patootie happened and who dropped the ball on this issue. Which I will do from a comfy, relaxed state of repose here on my squishy bed. No twitchiness.

If it would fit in my suitcase, I'd steal these pillows.

Sunday morning I boosted my chances of success by wearing the lucky transfer colors, green and yellow. We called a cab at 5:45 and headed off to the RE's office, ready as I'll ever be for transfer!

Finally Sunday morning at 6:45am P-Daddies baby was introduced to the happy wonderland that is my uterus, hopefully to find the place comfortable and snuggle in for a wee little bit...like 38 weeks or so. Here's the only "action" photo you're going to get. That's Dr.Sahakien, the most awesome and hilarious RE that is taking care of me and this surrogacy pregnancy. This is minutes before transfer while I'm looking at the beautiful little brain-like ball that is P-Daddies wee one. I won't say what Sahakien is looking at. Post transfer. I'm on an incline table ( you can't really tell) and I had to lay like that with my head slightly down and hips slightly up for an hour. When I sat up and all the blood rushed elsewhere.... whoosh! That was unexpected. But the room was dark and quiet, it was actually quite relaxing!

Now... sticky thoughts. Very,very sticky thoughts. This wee little one really should hang around for a while!

** HA HA HA HA HA!! Just got a call from the front desk.. a letter was just dropped off for me and guess, just guess what was inside??? The travel arrangements that I needed at 5:45 this morning. Where, oh where do they keep their time machine? I so want to go back and get that cab money so I can buy a $12 bag of Peanut Butter M&M's!


______________

Ever wonder what a $30 salad looks like?

The lovely Lynlee and I

The only really BAD food we ordered the whole time... just LOOK at that cheesecake!

Outside the Hilton.

See, P-Daddy? Orchids MUST mean good luck, right? They were everywhere!

The stretch limo that took us back to the airport. Sheesh, last minute arrangments landed us quite the upgrade! I've never been in a limo so it was quite the treat!

Ready Or Not....

Tomorrow afternoon I fly out to LA and check into the Beverly Hilton for my "baby making" vacation. Transfer is set for Sunday at 7am. and I fly home Monday night.

When the hell did we go from "wow, things are slow and this is taking soooo long." to "TOMORROW I fly out to make a baby."???

Apparently time was indeed passing by as I moaned and complained about...um... time not passing by. Which is so me, so I forgive myself.

Self, you are forgiven.

In the mean time, updatish...:

PIO is a PITA.

My first PIO left a hot lump that has since blossomed into a bruised golf ball of fun on my ample right arse cheek. Numbers 2 and 3 have been pieces of cake. (Ooh! cheesecake! Please, can it be a piece of cheesecake??) The trick? Cook the arse meat BEFORE injection, not as much after. Subsequent injection sites just feel bruised.. imagine having a three year old with pointy shoes kick you in the bum-booty. That's what it feels like; a deep meat bruise. The upside to these new daily shots is I've had to get used to doing them myself.. even the left cheek which had remained unblemished and undisturbed thus far.

Oh hey, can you tell there have been some more just oh so wonderful side effects? On last Saturday I wore my favorite pair of GAP size 6 jeans. I love these pants because they are the perfect fit.. not too tight but not so loose that they fall off of my rear. Yesterday I pulled this trusty trouser out of the closet and cried a bit on the inside when I saw the muffin-top they created. MUFFIN TOP, PEOPLE. It says right there on the packaging "possible side effects, water retention, the growth of 2 or 3 three additional chins, and muffin top" but who would have thought I'd be lucky enough to get all three??! Awesome.

SO. Next update will be from a state of repose in my squishy comfy bed at the Hilton as I recline and mentally encourage P-Daddies wee little trooper of a baby to snuggle in and make himself (herself? Hmm...)at home OH. For those not in the know; We will be transferring just one super duper happy 5 day embryo ( a blastocyst) on Sunday so our risk of multiples is incredibly low.. but that also means we're only putting only one egg in the basket and hoping it eventually makes a chicken. Which it will, I have no doubt.


See you from the Maternity Ward!

Siggy-de-Lite

I've had the above signature on my Surrogacy forum for the longest time! That is each of my children at around 3 months old.. I just love catching them in a yawn! But! With things progressing, I felt it was time for an update. I'm happy with it and just thrilled to be making some sense out of Photoshop finally. Ch-ch-ch-changes! It is so exciting to be moving forward!

Can I Have Your Attention Please

We. Have. A Transfer. Date.


November 11th, 2007 at 7am I plan on getting knocked up.

I'll fly down the night before and stay on bed rest for 48 hours after all by myself because there's no one local to bring, which is fine. I'll sleep and order in, it'll be great!

Progesterone starts on Tuesday!

Well... Happy-Crap? Crappy-Yay?

Our lovely egg donor went in for a check and came back with 22 happily developing follicles!! Woo hoo! The more targets the better, we want a good outcome! The down side... this pushes our retrieval date and therfore the transfer date back several days. While I actually don't have a problem with the added wait, it means M is going to have to do some quick talking at work to see if the days off he requested and was granted can be given back to him, as well as checking on getting entirely different days off.. it means the childcare we had lined up will have to be cancelled and new childcare arranged for.. it means a larger pain in my ass then previously discussed. Unless!! If we do transfer on the 12th, and I can fly down there in the wee morning of the 12th, M will only need one day off and we won't need ANY childcare as I should be back by Friday morning... so fingers crossed for that, if you please!

Today, lining check and blood work. Perhaps, maybe PIO shots ( but maybe not.. those might also be pushed back a few days..)

**************************************
Update: Definately no PIO tonight... They will call ( suuuure) on Sunday with the donor update and further instructions. Contiune E2V as usual.

Holy Crap, could I BE More Weepy?

Weeping. Copiously. At the drop of a hat...

Honestly, how sad is it really that the hat dropped???

Apparently sad enough for me to weep. Which is pathetic. Which makes me weep some more. At myself.

Plus, I put on like 2 pounds.

And gained none of the other more "fun" side effects of Delestrogen injections.
Crap and Dammit.

Which makes me weep.

All the tears aside, injections going well! I am all too aware that my plentiful weeping episodes are perfectly normal and silly and I don't take them too seriously. But the Visa commercial? With the dog? Why the hell does that make me cry?

Looking forward to November first, when the estrogen stops and the progesterone starts... yes, those injections are said to be hell in a needle, but good Gawd, can we STOP with all the WEEPING??!!

Ha ha ha..

Then see? I'm fine again.

A Moment Of Silence

For my right glute, if you please. Tonight's E2V injection seems to have been stabbed directly into the center of a once happy colony of uber-sensitive nerve endings. Alas, they are happy no more and are causing quite a disturbing sting. I think this is my punishment for having a painless experience thus far.

Things are going well. Injections are pretty easy ( tonight aside) and there are very few side effects, so that's good. Now I'm just passing time till my lining check and estrogen levels on the first, which is when I'll start my PIO ( progesterone in oil) injections and... ahem... suppositories. Both of which I'm not exactly thrilled about. BUT!! A week after that I leave for transfer, so where's the downside, exactly??

Also, please keep our egg donor in your thoughts... she lives in southern California amongst all the smoke so I know P-Daddy and I are wishing our biggest wishes that she and her family remain safe and healthy.

One Down.

OK, I will fully admit to being scared shitless of tonight. Why? At one point in my life I had to prick my fingers regularly to test my blood glucose level. A teeny, tiny prick of my finger.

And I couldn't do it.

I just could NOT force myself to poke a hole in my body. Pierce my skin. On purpose. Couldn't do it. I had my husband prick my finger for me, then invested in a more expensive testing model that would allow me to test on my arm.

So imagine my jitters when I've got to come up with the gumption to inject OIL directly into my BUTT CHEEK with a TWO inch needle. All. By. Myself. Husband works evenings till midnight-thirty. That's too late to do this injection. And there isn't anyone else willing to come over and help. So I've got to go it alone. Which is fine, but I'm a huge weenie so it was a big deal. I prepped my arse then procrastinated for a good 15 minutes... getting the camera pre-focused ( because of COURSE I'm going to document this!), taking worthless pictures of various things balanced on my bum... holding the syringe in my hand to warm the oil... deep breathing in and out... ok, hyperventilating a wee bit.... carefully poking around to find the least sensitive smidgen of skin to defile... debating with myself if I should put it on my skin then PUSH it in abruptly, or "dart" it in as suggested... getting a wee bit teary... ( hey, I said I was a weenie...)

Then I placed the point on my hip/butt, closed my eyes, jabbed it in...... and kind of laid there stunned for a second as I absorbed that it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I thought it was going to be! Tiny sting to start, and that's it! So I took my pictures, slowly injected the Delestrogen, capped and disposed of the syringe, and rubbed my bum with an alcohol prep pad for the rest of Pretty Woman on TBS. It's just a bit achey now.

So. Not so bad! I know I will still be nervous the next time around, but at least now I know what to expect.

One down............

Phase One: Arse Prep

The meds; they have arrived. I lucked out and got an easy estrogen protocol for this first part. But the NEEDLE?? That goes in my BUTT?? Is like 2 INCHES long!! And it has to go ALL THE WAY in!! Someone snitched and told them I had a lot of "padding" on top of my muscle, apparently.
Saturday is the day. Countdown to arse jabs: T Minus 3 days!

CHECK!

Surrogacy Final Agreement: CHECK
Reviewed. Signed. E-Mailed and Snail-Mailed via certified mail today.

Medical/Life Insurance Application: CHECK
Reviewed. Signed. Off to underwriting for final policy statement.

Courage-In-A-Bucket In Preparation for the Buttload ( literally) of Injections To Begin On Saturday: CHECK ( cheek)
Haagen Dazs. Ben & Jerry's.

Pre-Whining In Anticipation of Above Referenced Buttload: CHECK
And BOY is "M" excited!

Like Sands Through The Hourglass..*UPDATED*

As many of you have noticed, Thursday has indeed come and gone. Things? They are awesome.

We dropped the children off at brother-in-laws house Wednesday night.. There was minimal crying and carrying on. Apparently R did wake up in the wee hours of the morning and freaked the 'ef out because she couldn't figure out where she was, who these people were, etc. And joy of joys.. she woke the 8 other children occupying the house at that time as well ( family visits, etc. all at the same time) so HUGE thanks go out to BIL and SIL for just being plain awesome. The children were happy and healthy when we picked them up Thursday night and our "abandonment" has had no ill effects thus far. So whoot for that.

We woke at the ridiculous hour of 3 to prepare for our trip out.

With the flight leaving at 6 and the airport requiring us to be there at least 1.5 hours in advance, we were pooped, to say the least. Chipper, but pooped. It was an easy, slept through flight ( a first for us) and we were pretty excited when we landed. After a quick bite for breakfast we headed over to the office a bit early where we were informed that P-Daddy was already there! and waiting on us!

P-Daddy. You are exactly as I pictured you. Mannerisms and everything. Awesome.

We headed right off for Knotts Berry Farm ( a 45 minute cab ride away) and chatted up a storm the whole time. Once there.. RIDES, baby!

We started off easy with the log ride. Which was sad. And explained the bored faces of the 4 year olds getting off in front of us. Then moved up the next step to the Montezumas Revenge. Which was awesome. Things only got more ridiculous from there. There were NO lines on any of the rides which means we could just stay on and ride again if we wanted to, which we did.

P-Daddy and I have similar ride tolerance... It was that "repeat" of the suspended twisty-turny roller coaster that did M in.... He was off to the cans outside the gate, heaving away. I giggled, but it was only because I was THRILLED it wasn't me... I came close! That was the end of the rides for M, but it didn't stop P-Daddy and I!! We rode the XCELERATOR again 3 ( or was it 4?) more times... that has GOT to be the coolest ride EVER. At one point I'm ashamed to say my dirty sailors mouth got the better of me as I cussed away my glee with a screamed " Oh My F**kin GOD!!" right directly into the delicate ears of the school children watching the fun. My shame; it was profound.

I have no idea what my breasts are doing. This ride seems to smoosh them in the oddest way. I swear, they don't look like that in real life! BUT, note to self: buy more supportive bra! Because this one? Isn't cutting it!

That rollercoaster behind us is the Xcelerator, the one in all the pics and the video.

That's P-Daddy and I in the very front.. every now and then you get a glimpse of us. That particular roller coaster goes from 0-85 in like 2 seconds. The pictures are taken like half a second after it begins just as it starts to reach peak speed.

Bottom line.. we had fun. And we really got to know each other as well.

P-Daddy is just exactly who I would have picked to make a family for, so I was SUPER excited to get a call from the clinic clearing me for meds NEXT WEEK! We're hoping for an early November transfer(!!!!) That is a full MONTH+ earlier then we thought things would be happening. I am SO thrilled to be moving forward at such a pace! This visit really solidified what I had suspected all along; P-Daddy just might be as twitchy as I myself am at times!

This match: it is good.